Cousin: What are you reading?
Me: Courtney Love's bio, it's really interesting.
Cousin: Oh. Who's Courtney Love?
Me: (laughter)
Cousin: (blank face)
Me: Wait, are you being serious? COURTNEY LOVE. Crazy blonde woman? From the band Hole?
Cousin: (blank face)
Me: Kurt Cobain's WIFE?
Cousin: Who?
Me: (with mounting disbelief) Kurt Cobain! As in Nirvana!
Cousin: What's Nirvana?
Me: WHAT IS NIRVANA? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

I'm still waiting for the part where she calls me and says "HA! You remember that time I convinced you I didn't know what Nirvana was? Totally kidding. Yep. Wow, you are so gullible!"

I've been waiting a long time.

Facepalm.

Person: People really need to learn to drive, I was in another near accident today, and it's always the same kind of person: some young Pakistani-looking guy. I mean, I'm not racist or anything, but it's true.

My Face:

What the hell do you even say to that? My reaction is usually the same: cringe, disguise horror/disgust, cough uncomfortably, abort conversation.

Why I shouldn't try to be friendly with my co-workers

Me: Oh God I hope I didn't leave anything weird open on my computer upstairs. I mean, not, you know, weird, like how to make napalm, just... things like that article on cracked about the guy who was obsessed with P. Diddy, and he had over 100,000 exercise books filled with songs he wrote about P. Diddy, and all these letters for P. Diddy. Things like that (nervous laughing because I have just realised how completely psychotic I sound)

Warehouse guy: It's interesting how some people choose to spend their time.

Me: Yeah, I mean imagine being obsessed with P. Diddy, why him? ... oh wait. You mean me, don't you?

Other warehouse guy: Are you a serial killer?

My Boss: Look, you can't have that kind of attitude. Everything is eventually susceptible to maggots.

He was talking about Fererro Rochers, but I like to think it was a metaphor for life.