I miss my family

Disclaimer: don't read the last part if you don't like stories about pimples bursting. And definitely don't look up "World's Largest Pimple" on Youtube. You were warned.

Mum: do you want some cheese?
Me: cheeeeeeeeese
Mum: Don't. Please don't sing the cheese song.
Me: Cheese is a kind of meat, a tasty yellow beef
Mum: NO
Brother: Cheeeeeeese
Me: I milk it from my teat, but I try to be discreet
Dad: (not looking up from the paper) ahahaha that's disgusting
Mum: no. NO! YOU ARE HORRIBLE! GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

Me: We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind-
Mum: ALEX!
Brother: (literally jumping into the room and skipping towards mum) 'cos your friends don't dance and if they don't dance well they're no friends of mine!
(Both start doing the "safety dance")
Mum: NO. NO. NO. SHUT UP.
Together: S-s-s-s-A-a-a-a-
Mum: LA LA LA, CAN'T HEAR YOU

Brother: Oh my God have you seen the world's largest pimple video on Youtube?
Me: No
Brother: Do you want to?
Me: Yes. Yes I do.
(Both watching it in horrified fascination)
Me: (dry gagging) That is horrendous.
Mum: What are you doing? OH MY GOD THAT IS REPULSIVE
Brother: What? YOU SAID 'TURN THE VOLUME UP'?
Mum: (going pale) NO I'm being serious, please turn it off
Brother: IT WON'T GO ANY LOUDER. OH GOD LOOK AT IT, IT'S EXPLODING ALL OVER THE PLACE, I CAN NEVER EAT COTTAGE CHEESE AGAIN
Mum: NO NO NO TURN IT OFF THAT'S DISGUSTING I CAN'T STAND IT, OKAY THAT'S IT GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!
Dad: (walks in, stops dead to stare at us) What the hell are you three doing?

My Uncle: Did you drop something?
Me: Oh yeah, that's my sock
My Uncle: I grabbed it for you
Me: Cool
My Uncle: I had to pick it up. Off the floor. It was embarassing.
Me: Um. Thank you.
My Uncle: I am embarassed for you
Me: Yep
Uncle: ...
Me...
Uncle: ...want some coffee?

G: I want to work at Alannah Hill
Me: Me too! Someone told me they only hire dancers. If that's true do you think it's because dancers aren't likely to gain weight?
G: I don't know, just lie and say you are a dancer
Me: Aren't dancers graceful? You just saw me walk into a pole like ten minutes ago. I'm like the most uncoordinated person ever.
G: Yeah me too. Have you ever noticed most of our conversations are about how much we suck at everything?

Friend: I like how you write these bitter, super-scathing rants on your blog and then you're so genuinely nice in the comment section, like hey thanks so much for commenting, smiley face!

Friend: You haven't blogged lately
Me: Yeah, I don't really know if I'm going to keep blogging
Friend: Hey you should write on your blog about that (mimes head exploding) MIND FUCK!

Friend: It's nice that you mention me on your blog, really I am flattered, but I see that me saying these mean things has resulted in you deciding to punish me by referring to me simply as "friend"

case of the missing knickers

Recently I noticed my underwear collection had dwindled to meagre amounts. I checked the laundry; they hadn't been eaten by the machine. I asked my cousins. I asked the cats. I searched the house. I looked under my bed and behind the TV. I made jokes about having a stalker who was stealing them. I eventually bought some of those pink floral undies designed for obese children from Woolworths and promptly forgot the whole ordeal had ever happened. Forgot, that is, until in the early hours of the morning, freezing cold and pre-coffee, I found myself stuffing my underwear into the bin in the bathroom instead of the dirty washing hamper.

I probably should never work with small children.

My brother (to my parents): Hey are you guys, like, (look of concern) older than Elton John?

My Uncle works from home and he's always on the phone, swearing and blaming every mistake on the face of the planet on some young girl who works in his office named Daria.

Uncle: No, I'm not in today, Daria should have told you

Uncle: What? I told Daria to leave it on your desk!

Uncle: You can bet it was that Goddamn Daria who forgot to make the call

Uncle: Fuck's sake, I told Daria to fax that to him by Tuesday

Uncle: Yeah, it was probably Daria's fault

From what I can gather, Daria doesn't even exist. I think he based her on the TV show.

My cousin: Why is this folder called "work stuff" empty except for a shortcut to Age of Empires?

Me: I was thinking I want to do something like Social Science. Maybe be a social worker or something, I want to help people, like people who are addicted to drugs or have mental illness, but my parents keep telling me I'm too sensitive
Friend: What? You're, like, the least sensitive person I know.
Me:...thanks.

crazy people on the internet part 2

On a gossip website posting about Hilary Duff's upcoming wedding:

" 25/06/10

WOW!! A whole page of fake comments posted by someone who’s trying to deceive the American public. Since all of these fake comments are in the same vernacular wouldn’t it be nice if you can tell us here in America where you’re really posting from so we can get the idea from the horses fingers."




iiinteresting.

I just realised every I eat an apple I put the sticker on my laptop. According to this pattern, I have eaten 4 apples this week.