Sunday, February 28, 2010

So last week I moved to Sydney. I've been lost, tripped over multiple times, committed fashion sins, worn my cardigan inside out, destroyed a good pair of shoes (and my feet), caught the wrong train, been sunburnt, spent way too much money, and eaten cake.

I've felt many emotions.

Mainly I'm just concerned with my search for the perfect flats.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Today my ex-boyfriend and I caught up for lunch and shopping. As we perused the stores I asked him what he thought of a cardigan. He wrinkled his nose with distaste. "I don't really like it. It's tacky".
"What?" I asked, with the horrified tone of one bitten by a Japanese Hornet. "The cardigan?"
"It's leopard print...everything leopard print is tacky" he replied with casual disdain.
At that moment I remembered exactly why we had no future together. A man is a man, but leopard print is forever.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

(Watching a German movie in which a woman opens a parcel)
My Uncle: It's the skull of her pet!
Me: Why would you say that?
My Uncle: They're Germans, I wouldn't put it past them. Germans are bad, evil people. They've already tried to take over the world twice! Check around this girl's apartment, I bet you'd find her ex-boyfriend's pelvis.

My Uncle (on the phone to neice): It's me, Sara! Your favourite uncle.
Sara: Uncle Daniel?
My Uncle: Uncle Daniel can't be your favourite, you've never met him seeing as he's been in gaol since before you were born. I win.

My cousin: What's that movie... something about sunflowers?
My Uncle: Anal sunflowers?

My Uncle: You're an art student now, you have to know what to do in this situation. Take the extra money we left for tip, and then smoke some of those cigarette butts over there.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My friend's boyfriend: You'll fit in fine at art school. Just don't talk about Perez Hilton so much, and discuss something art students understand, like... Phil Collins. Maybe think about becoming vegetarian too.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My brother (talking about the local mall): I don't want to go there, that's where all the emo freaks hang out
My Mum: what's an emo?
My brother: It's like those kids with all the eyeliner and black hair with big straightened fringes, you know, with the skinny jeans and that.
My Mum: Like goths?
My brother: They're too shit to be goths.
My Mum: But they wear eyeliner?
My brother: forget it, Mum.
(Later while watching the episode of South Park when Stan turns goth, my Mum comes racing into the family room, puffing madly, as wild-eyed as Winston Churchill after a 48-hour bender)
My Mum: HEY! Is that what a nemo is!? ... why are you all laughing?

Monday, February 15, 2010

For the last month or so, my jaw has been clicking every time I eat a meal. Now it's started to seize up and is so painful I can't open my mouth properly. I think this is possibly God's delayed reaction to my 15-year-old self praying to wake up in a size six body. Or maybe it was all those times I went back for "one more cheeseburger and I swear I'll start a diet tomorrow". I picture a man in flowing robes watching me on a Big-Brother type setup, tearing at his beard screaming "JUST PUT DOWN THE FUCKING CAKE, IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. OKAY THAT'S IT, WIRE THE JAW".
That's okay though, I just ate a slice of cheesecake by slotting tiny pieces through the inch-sized gap between my teeth. Mmmmmm painful encounters of creamy Sara Lee goodness prompted by insatiable greed. My favourite.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine's Day

I have a plan. I'm going to breakfast with my Mum and Dad. Now you may think that's the saddest kind of Valentines day: As a third wheel. With your own parents. But you're wrong, my friend. I am on a date. This is a day to celebrate love, all love, unique love, and I love myself. I'm pretty much the most awesome person. Ever. I figure what's the use in dating anyone else? My partner will never be good enough for me. I don't feel the need to enter into the world of self-mutilating phone calls, sublty undermining the other person in the hopes they will lose 20 pounds, secretly hoarding painkillers so you might slip one or twenty into their evening vodka and juice. I'm so non-conformist I don't need to have this typical two-person "relationship" you disgusting regular humans have. I'm so non-conformist I'll also have to kill myself in order to show I've avoided conforming to my own taste, but that's another story. So I will break free of the clutches of social norms, free like an oyster hurtling from your airway after a well-demonstrated heimlich maneuvour. I'll change the world, a revolution will begin.
Or maybe I just know my parents will pay for my eggs benedict. Whatevs.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Idiots I once knew

Random: Why did your girlfriend break up with you, Terry?
Terry: Something about not being serious? I mean it was all fine. She'd come over and watch me play Wii, I'd have fun and she got to spend time with me. It was perfect. Then she started going on like, you never pay attention to me, you're always playing your Wii, you don't take me out or even hold my hand, you don't appreciate me. So I took her for a walk and then we watched a horse take a shit. It was hilarious. Did you know their shit floats? it was so funny (hysterical laughter)
Eric: (gesturing to Terry) How could you leave this?

Eric: Our parents made us shower together once
Terry: It was horrible
Eric: I never want to see you naked again
Terry: I felt dirty
Me: What, when you were like four years old?
Eric: Last week.

(Meeting a mutual friends mum for the first time):
Eric: We were bored, so we decided to watch porn. Do you know what scat porn is? Do you know what they do? Beastiality porn? We watched it all. I knew I should have stuck to "Fat people falling over" but I couldn't help myself. My scrotum hurt just looking at it.

Me: What did you guys do in the holidays?
Eric: Well we bought 5 kilograms of starburts lollies and four litres of juice and every Star Wars movie. It was fuckin' epic. We watched them all back to back. Didn't even take a piss break.
Terry: He made me go in a bucket
Eric: It was awesome.

Things My Family Say

My Uncle: Would any of you girls like tea? Darren, tea?
Darren: Yes please
My Uncle: Are you GAY, Darren?

(On Australia Day):
My Uncle: Hey I know what we should do! Let's get Australian flags and wear them as capes. Then we should get sunburnt and drink too much beer and go somewhere we can hassle ethnic minority groups. Fuck that, I'm making butter chicken.

Cousin 1: (looks at other cousin the wrong way over the dinner table)
Cousin 2: What the fuck is your problem?
Cousin 1: What!? Fuck you bitch I did nothing!
Cousin 2: Why are you always such a cunt-faced little whore to me?
Cousin 1: (as she storms out) Because I HATE YOU! I'll stab you, cunt!
Me: Yeah good one guys! Dinner and a show! (laughing hysterically)
My Mum (trying not to laugh): Shut up, Alex.

My Aunt: All I mean is, it looks like you did it-
Me: Yeah, you make a good point but- LYNCH HER!
My Aunt: I was just-
My brother: (interrupting) LYYYYNCH HEEEEEEEERRRRRR
My Aunt: Can I just-
(Everyone at the dinner table): LYNCH HER! LYNCH HER! LYNCH HER!

Me: How was your day, Nan?
Nan: Oh, it was good dear. We bought a new broom
Pop: from Bunnings
Nan: Yes, from Bunnings, because I find the supermarket ones just too soft. They don't make them like they used to.
Pop: They're made of sterner stuff at Bunnings!
Nan: So we drove to Bunnings. That was a nice drive. Then we picked out a new broom
Pop: It was worth the extra drive to get a better broom
Nan: Yes, a nice new broom.

(My cousin is reading on the couch)
My Nan: What are you doing indoors, dear? Shouldn't you be outside, chasing boys or something?
Cousin: Would you rather me be out chasing boys? What if I got pregnant? What would you say if I got an abortion? Fuck this, next summer I'm bringing a gay lover home.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Doppleganger Week

So I decided to give this Doppleganger week thing a crack because it seemed like fun. On my facebook live feed people are getting hilarious results like Russel Brand, Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, and so on.
My best match was a gentlemen of mature age and asian appearance. In fact, most of my matches were male and asian. Do I look like an older asian gentleman to you? I think many of these supposed "matches" would be quite offended by that comparison. I'm not.
I also got Emma Watson. Not the stunning fashionista, Burberry-pimping, sleek-haired British beauty, but pre-leave in conditioner, Philosopher's Stone Emma Watson. So do I look like a mature asian guy or a frizzy-haired twelve year old girl? Neither? Both? To answer this mysterious riddle, I entered another photo. " could not detect a face in this photo". I entered two more. Same result. The confusing results, the lack of facial recognition. Conclusion: I have no discernable face. A Howard Moon-esque pink balloon, featureless and blank. My life finally makes sense.
My driving instructor: back car up! back car up! Yes, yes, just a whisker more!
My driving instructor: Okay, now turn, turn! Hard left, hard left! Okay, at 45 degree angle, you start hard right! hard right now! Hard right! Hard right! You turn like a European, no more of that! Hand over hand, do it fast way!
My driving instructor: You, very slow at turning. For you, 30 degree angle. Now don't hit no toddlers, okay?

Monday, February 1, 2010

Reasons you are most likely batshit crazy

You sleep when the sun rises and use night for your activities so as to avoid human contact

Suddenly you can appreciate the screeching melodic strains of Courney Love

Assembling a freaky-looking salad for lunch with the fervent enthusiasm of Amy Winehouse scrounging for crack is the highlight of your day

You wear filthy tracksuit pants and it feels like dressing up

You start to notice similarities between yourself and the highly neurotic, annoying, drama-queen bitch spinster Carrie Bradshaw .

You don't care.