Monday, September 20, 2010

Ignorance is bliss

Sam: I thought you were on a diet for the formal, Amy.
Amy: I am on a diet. I ate like one chip, what about you!? I thought you were on a diet too?
Sam: What!?
Amy: You're eating ice-cream!
Sam: It's banana, duh.

My friend (to her brother): Hey Dave, do you want a doughnut?
Dave: Okay, thanks (munching thoughtfully) doughnuts are healthy, aren't they?
Me: What?
My friend: Are you kidding me?
Dave: Well, they have dough and nuts in them... why are you both laughing at me?

I'm Still Here

What is all this about Joaquin Phoenix and his frat brother, I'm sorry, brother in law Casey Affleck and this little film of theirs and it being the greatest performance art/hoax of all time?

As far as I'm concerned, there is a certain celebrity pairing who have excelled at this fine practise, perfecting their masterpiece for years whilst flying under the radar and their commitment is absolutely astounding.

I am of course talking about Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag.

Seriously. My heroes.

Friday, September 17, 2010

This is why we can't have nice things

The article I'm about to discuss is the stupidest thing I've read in a while, and at first I honest to goodness believed it was a work of satire.

I don't think any amount of beating my head against my desk could possibly sum up the equal parts outrage and total mystification I felt upon reading this article.

After all, it makes perfect sense. Women are stupid and incapable of making jokes or having a sense of humour. However if a woman does try to make make you laugh you should IMMEDIATELY shut them down. Women need to know their place; being quiet and pretty and falling in line at all times. A woman will find this assertion of your dominance adorable and hilarious.

When (not if, because women are fucking idiots) a woman tries to make friendly small talk, always respond in the petulant manner of an angsty teenager and trying to make her feel very, very stupid for even trying. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES give a polite answer, it shows weakness. Women have no dignity and love to be treated like dirt!

Once you've degraded and humiliated a woman into submission, you should hit her and talk to her like a child. Also play on her insecurities and tell her she has bad breath. This could only be a good thing.

Tell her she's fat (but only if she's not actually fat, real fatties have no sense of humour). If a woman is thin and attractive she automatically has excellent self confidence and would not at all feel insecure after such an unnecessary remark.

Women are fickle and by confusing her you can only hope to trick her into thinking you're open minded.Make her feel extremely stupid by disregarding everything she says. (Women find men who make them feel worthless rather alluring).

Very attractive women are the only ones deserving of any respect, obviously. Pretend you hate her if she shows any signs of not being The Perfect Woman. Constantly forcing someone to second guess themselves always has a positive outcome.

Women also deserve to be alotted points for good behaviour, be treated like objects, and have their personality reduced to a juvenile, depersonalising rating system.

None of these things will be as hilarious and charming without use of delivery. If you use the tips in this article, over time your partner's confidence will be eradicated so dramatically that she'll never leave you! Emotional abuse? No, my friend, it's called humour.

The Non-Fashion Appreciator's Perspective

I was in Sportsgirl browsing nail polishes with a friend of mine once, when a staff member came over and asked us if we needed any help.

"No thanks, just looking" we chorused.

"They're great polishes, aren't they!" She chirped, gesturing to the bottles labelled "Snowstorm" and "Gunmetal". "Those two are my favourites! Let me know if you need anything guys!" and with that, she dissipated to the bag section.

My friend looked at me dubiously. "Her two favourite colours are black and white?"

It was like that moment in The Simpsons where Lisa asks if you can hear a tree falling in the forest if nobody's around, and Bart achieves enlightenment.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

"My father says smoking makes you dead. You go all black inside"

A certain person on my facebook just posted pictures of themselves on their trip around Europe (yes, I am seething with jealousy). I just noticed in one of them her friends are smoking and the caption is "eww cancer sucks". The rest of her pictures consist of her sunbathing and showing off her progressive tan. Sorry, what was that about cancer?

Sometimes I feel bad for smokers. I don't advocate smoking of course, it's terrible for you and horrible to watch a family member slowly deteriorate because they "can't" stop smoking. Let's however keep in mind these people have an addiction, and for that they are treated like the scum of the earth.

Person 1: Wait a minute... are you a (gasp) smoker?
Person 2: Oh, my stars! Oh, heavens, no. I do however have several dead bodies buried in my backyard.
Person 1: Well thank goodness for that!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Halfway House Man

I like next door to a halfway house for the mentally ill. This isn't as exciting as it sounds, my street is a lot more like Playschool than, say, Neighbours.(In case you're interested, my other next door neighbour is a security guard called Pamela Anderson). Apart from the time my cousins claim to have looked in the window to see someone trying to flip pancakes on their walking frame, nothing particularly fascinating has ever come of this situation. (I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe some Girl Interrupted shit would go down. At the very least I expected an elderly woman to walk around in her wedding dress abusing random people on the street, but whatever. Obviously real life is much less interesting than my skewed imaginings).

However, there is a sweet old man who seems to be perpetually alternating between sitting on the front porch smoking a cigar, or walking endlessly around our neighbourhood. When I first moved here I was too shy to even look at him, yet over time we began actioning the silent eye-contact-and-mutual-head-nod maneuver. It seemed that this small gesture was something of an initiation into the Silent Enthusiastic Greeting Club this gentleman has with select inhabitants of my street (my Uncle being another one of them). The greetings eventually became sunshine-filled toothless grins and a highly energetic wave, never a word exchanged.

My Uncle used to see him wandering the streets eating various dairy products, and wondered at this slightly strange habit. Later we found out that a) the old man is allergic to dairy and not allowed to have any in the house, and b) there was an ever-increasing pile of yogurt containers and cheese wrappers in our yard underneath his window.

The other day I passed him shuffling along the pavement in his usual slow, clumsy fashion. The sweet, pungent smell of peanuts hit me in the face and I watched as he tipped an entire packet into his mouth. I kind of love this peculiar old man for his silent fuck-you-I-will-do-as-I-please behaviour.

Apart from that, the most exciting thing that happens in my street is when I walk around with my angryface on and the middle-age women with their dyed blonde hair look at me disapprovingly and usher their small children inside.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Things People Say On Facebook

J: I maintain that no one should be made this aware of subconscious grammatical choices in English sentence formation.

K: well i think all english lessons are poop...

J: Oooh this goes much beyond English lessons...studying this unit in linguistics, I've learned that some of what we were taught about English is actually wrong! It's simplified for a less interested audience. Of course they assume if you stu...dy it at uni you're genuinely interested in knowing about that shit so they overload you with di-transitive and intensive and mono-transitive verbs and their structures and criteria that you didn't even know about when you use them in a sentence! You just DO it, isn't that amazing?

K: wat?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My New Boss

Boss: They fucked it up again. It's like telling someone to make a cake and they hand you a piece of wood. A monkey could do a better job. A dead monkey.
After a brief hiatus (in which I quit uni, ate cake, searched for jobs, was rejected, more cake) I am back with lots more to say about nothing in particular. I now have a job and a desk and a computer and post-it notes and a lot of download and spare time on my hands. But first... I want to share with you something that made my day.