My Uncle: Would any of you girls like tea? Darren, tea?
Darren: Yes please
My Uncle: Are you GAY, Darren?
(On Australia Day):
My Uncle: Hey I know what we should do! Let's get Australian flags and wear them as capes. Then we should get sunburnt and drink too much beer and go somewhere we can hassle ethnic minority groups. Fuck that, I'm making butter chicken.
Cousin 1: (looks at other cousin the wrong way over the dinner table)
Cousin 2: What the fuck is your problem?
Cousin 1: What!? Fuck you bitch I did nothing!
Cousin 2: Why are you always such a cunt-faced little whore to me?
Cousin 1: (as she storms out) Because I HATE YOU! I'll stab you, cunt!
Me: Yeah good one guys! Dinner and a show! (laughing hysterically)
My Mum (trying not to laugh): Shut up, Alex.
My Aunt: All I mean is, it looks like you did it-
Me: Yeah, you make a good point but- LYNCH HER!
My Aunt: I was just-
My brother: (interrupting) LYYYYNCH HEEEEEEEERRRRRR
My Aunt: Can I just-
(Everyone at the dinner table): LYNCH HER! LYNCH HER! LYNCH HER!
Me: How was your day, Nan?
Nan: Oh, it was good dear. We bought a new broom
Pop: from Bunnings
Nan: Yes, from Bunnings, because I find the supermarket ones just too soft. They don't make them like they used to.
Pop: They're made of sterner stuff at Bunnings!
Nan: So we drove to Bunnings. That was a nice drive. Then we picked out a new broom
Pop: It was worth the extra drive to get a better broom
Nan: Yes, a nice new broom.
(My cousin is reading on the couch)
My Nan: What are you doing indoors, dear? Shouldn't you be outside, chasing boys or something?
Cousin: Would you rather me be out chasing boys? What if I got pregnant? What would you say if I got an abortion? Fuck this, next summer I'm bringing a gay lover home.