(Watching a German movie in which a woman opens a parcel)
My Uncle: It's the skull of her pet!
Me: Why would you say that?
My Uncle: They're Germans, I wouldn't put it past them. Germans are bad, evil people. They've already tried to take over the world twice! Check around this girl's apartment, I bet you'd find her ex-boyfriend's pelvis.

My Uncle (on the phone to neice): It's me, Sara! Your favourite uncle.
Sara: Uncle Daniel?
My Uncle: Uncle Daniel can't be your favourite, you've never met him seeing as he's been in gaol since before you were born. I win.

My cousin: What's that movie... something about sunflowers?
My Uncle: Anal sunflowers?

My Uncle: You're an art student now, you have to know what to do in this situation. Take the extra money we left for tip, and then smoke some of those cigarette butts over there.