Idiots I once knew

Random: Why did your girlfriend break up with you, Terry?
Terry: Something about not being serious? I mean it was all fine. She'd come over and watch me play Wii, I'd have fun and she got to spend time with me. It was perfect. Then she started going on like, you never pay attention to me, you're always playing your Wii, you don't take me out or even hold my hand, you don't appreciate me. So I took her for a walk and then we watched a horse take a shit. It was hilarious. Did you know their shit floats? it was so funny (hysterical laughter)
Eric: (gesturing to Terry) How could you leave this?

Eric: Our parents made us shower together once
Terry: It was horrible
Eric: I never want to see you naked again
Terry: I felt dirty
Me: What, when you were like four years old?
Eric: Last week.

(Meeting a mutual friends mum for the first time):
Eric: We were bored, so we decided to watch porn. Do you know what scat porn is? Do you know what they do? Beastiality porn? We watched it all. I knew I should have stuck to "Fat people falling over" but I couldn't help myself. My scrotum hurt just looking at it.

Me: What did you guys do in the holidays?
Eric: Well we bought 5 kilograms of starburts lollies and four litres of juice and every Star Wars movie. It was fuckin' epic. We watched them all back to back. Didn't even take a piss break.
Terry: He made me go in a bucket
Eric: It was awesome.