Cousin: What are you reading?
Me: Courtney Love's bio, it's really interesting.
Cousin: Oh. Who's Courtney Love?
Me: (laughter)
Cousin: (blank face)
Me: Wait, are you being serious? COURTNEY LOVE. Crazy blonde woman? From the band Hole?
Cousin: (blank face)
Me: Kurt Cobain's WIFE?
Cousin: Who?
Me: (with mounting disbelief) Kurt Cobain! As in Nirvana!
Cousin: What's Nirvana?
Me: WHAT IS NIRVANA? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

I'm still waiting for the part where she calls me and says "HA! You remember that time I convinced you I didn't know what Nirvana was? Totally kidding. Yep. Wow, you are so gullible!"

I've been waiting a long time.

Facepalm.

Person: People really need to learn to drive, I was in another near accident today, and it's always the same kind of person: some young Pakistani-looking guy. I mean, I'm not racist or anything, but it's true.

My Face:

What the hell do you even say to that? My reaction is usually the same: cringe, disguise horror/disgust, cough uncomfortably, abort conversation.

Why I shouldn't try to be friendly with my co-workers

Me: Oh God I hope I didn't leave anything weird open on my computer upstairs. I mean, not, you know, weird, like how to make napalm, just... things like that article on cracked about the guy who was obsessed with P. Diddy, and he had over 100,000 exercise books filled with songs he wrote about P. Diddy, and all these letters for P. Diddy. Things like that (nervous laughing because I have just realised how completely psychotic I sound)

Warehouse guy: It's interesting how some people choose to spend their time.

Me: Yeah, I mean imagine being obsessed with P. Diddy, why him? ... oh wait. You mean me, don't you?

Other warehouse guy: Are you a serial killer?

My Boss: Look, you can't have that kind of attitude. Everything is eventually susceptible to maggots.

He was talking about Fererro Rochers, but I like to think it was a metaphor for life.

Ignorance is bliss

Sam: I thought you were on a diet for the formal, Amy.
Amy: I am on a diet. I ate like one chip, what about you!? I thought you were on a diet too?
Sam: What!?
Amy: You're eating ice-cream!
Sam: It's banana, duh.

My friend (to her brother): Hey Dave, do you want a doughnut?
Dave: Okay, thanks (munching thoughtfully) doughnuts are healthy, aren't they?
Me: What?
My friend: Are you kidding me?
Dave: Well, they have dough and nuts in them... why are you both laughing at me?

I'm Still Here

What is all this about Joaquin Phoenix and his frat brother, I'm sorry, brother in law Casey Affleck and this little film of theirs and it being the greatest performance art/hoax of all time?

As far as I'm concerned, there is a certain celebrity pairing who have excelled at this fine practise, perfecting their masterpiece for years whilst flying under the radar and their commitment is absolutely astounding.

I am of course talking about Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag.

Seriously. My heroes.

This is why we can't have nice things

The article I'm about to discuss is the stupidest thing I've read in a while, and at first I honest to goodness believed it was a work of satire.

I don't think any amount of beating my head against my desk could possibly sum up the equal parts outrage and total mystification I felt upon reading this article.

http://au.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-ways-to-tease-her-and-make-her-crazy-for-you_10.html

After all, it makes perfect sense. Women are stupid and incapable of making jokes or having a sense of humour. However if a woman does try to make make you laugh you should IMMEDIATELY shut them down. Women need to know their place; being quiet and pretty and falling in line at all times. A woman will find this assertion of your dominance adorable and hilarious.

When (not if, because women are fucking idiots) a woman tries to make friendly small talk, always respond in the petulant manner of an angsty teenager and trying to make her feel very, very stupid for even trying. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES give a polite answer, it shows weakness. Women have no dignity and love to be treated like dirt!

Once you've degraded and humiliated a woman into submission, you should hit her and talk to her like a child. Also play on her insecurities and tell her she has bad breath. This could only be a good thing.

Tell her she's fat (but only if she's not actually fat, real fatties have no sense of humour). If a woman is thin and attractive she automatically has excellent self confidence and would not at all feel insecure after such an unnecessary remark.

Women are fickle and by confusing her you can only hope to trick her into thinking you're open minded.Make her feel extremely stupid by disregarding everything she says. (Women find men who make them feel worthless rather alluring).

Very attractive women are the only ones deserving of any respect, obviously. Pretend you hate her if she shows any signs of not being The Perfect Woman. Constantly forcing someone to second guess themselves always has a positive outcome.

Women also deserve to be alotted points for good behaviour, be treated like objects, and have their personality reduced to a juvenile, depersonalising rating system.

None of these things will be as hilarious and charming without use of delivery. If you use the tips in this article, over time your partner's confidence will be eradicated so dramatically that she'll never leave you! Emotional abuse? No, my friend, it's called humour.