Ever since I realised that Scott Disick is Patrick Bateman I've been obsessed with watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians and all variants of this show.

That shit is amazing. Best parody I've ever seen.

Clues that you may not be the most exciting person

It's Friday night. Your friend calls you to come out and drink, like most other 19-21 year olds. You ignore the call. You are wearing mismatched socks with holes, dirty pyjama pants and a torn mens hoodie in XXL. It has unidentified stains on the sleeve, possibly tomato paste. You are watching The Biggest Loser. You are alone. You are eating a family sized bag of M&Ms and crying because Lara looks so happy. This is your idea of an exciting evening. You aren't trying to be ironic.

Stealing company time is a type of theft

I haven't blogged in forever. I use the excuse that I don't have internet access but nothing is stopping me from getting one of those USB thingies or writing on my lunch break at work. The truth is that I am so boring that writing it down is equal parts annoying and boring to that fucking Friday video.

All I do is eat, sleep and work. This week for lunch I have eaten:

Monday: Silverside on stale bread with rotten tomato
Tuesday: Forgot lunch. Drank coffee and sulked.
Wednesday: Expired Mac & Cheese
Thursday: Cold baked beans from a tin
Friday: Biscuits poached from the staff kitchen

I am highly exciting and have a vested interest in nutrition.

This week's activity:

Playing with the dog at the house I am housesitting. By this I mean screaming his name while both of us jump excitedly.

Walking to work. I have three speeds: My Normal (which is often surpassed by old people with walking sticks), Is That A Candy Store Ahead? and Super Fast, AKA Someone just yelled Hey Baby at me from their car window. I use that third speed a lot in Sydney.

I also yell at the TV alot while watching 16 & Pregnant, so there's that.

Sometimes I wonder if there's a special place in hell for people as boring and self indulgent as myself where they'll play Nickelback on a constant loop and Sarah Palin will be my roommate.

Don't be a drag
Just eat some beans

Whether they're soy or long and green
They're black-eyed, lima, in a pan
Refried, four-kind, from a can

Whenever life's trivialities
Leave you hungry, broke and lean
Rejoice and eat some beans today
They're cheap and you have rent to pay

Anywhere else but Somewhere

Two days ago I saw Somewhere. This film can be summed up in two words: fucking awful. Now in saying that, I should mention that I'm a big fan of Sofia Coppola's other films. I even liked Marie Antoinette (which could have used actual character development and the edit of a lifetime). The thing is, Marie Antoinette was still relatively enjoyable because it was shot beautifully with stunning scenery, wonderful costumes and set design accompanied by an amazing soundtrack. Coppola's movies are generally intimate glimpses into a character's life, subtle, aesthetically pleasing, interesting and slow (the good kind of slow. The Mad Men kind of slow). Somewhere was basically 2 hours of Coppola using excrutiatingly long continuous shots to demonstrate how boring and monotonous the main character's life was (which, thanks to a glaringly obvious visual metaphor in the opening scene, a monkey would have realised about 60 seconds in). I know this was a technique she used on purpose but that somehow makes the whole thing worse. Every scene felt like it would never end. Think Family Guy long, but just not funny, not even terrible funny, just cringe-inducingly awful. There was also a painful absence of a soundtrack throughout most of it, which might have partially redeemed the meagre visual offerings. But no. Bland town.

This film pissed me off in a way I haven't felt since The Postman. I was so bored I actually felt offended. It felt as though Coppola was saying "well, now I have all you artsy types wrapped around my little finger, I'm just going to make a movie about NOTHING and throw in the younger sister of a Hollywood A-Lister and you will all come and see it and say it's a genius minimalist work of art and I will laugh spitefully into my big pile of money until I am sick into my own scorn". I feel like I need to watch it again (even though I would rather swallow glass) because I really can't believe that the same person who directed Lost in Translation could ever make such a movie and think "Fuck I'm good". I read the reviews for Somewhere and most of them went something like "Brilliant seductive hypnotic sensual dream-like modernism blah blah blah". I think they were actually describing the Cate Shortland film Somersault and just got really effing confused. Was this movie some kind of social experiment? Did I accidentally walk into the wrong theatre and see a continuous loop of boring home movies? Was this some sort of ironic hipster film about the significance of deleted scenes? Are you supposed to be ripped out of your mind before you watch it?

Maybe I'm being unnecessarily cruel, but in my opinion the only redeeming quality that Somewhere possessed was that I was so incredibly bored that the relief from escaping the movie theatre gave me a new appreciation for life.

E: You know how K always looks so focused on his work?
Me: Yeah, it's a bit intimidating
E: That's the face he makes when he's playing Bejewelled. He has 12 facebook accounts so he can play bejewelled with himself.

K: (Fake crying at his desk)
E: What's wrong?
K: My back huuuurtsss
E: Did you injure it again?
K: NO, I was just playing Bejewelled on the toilet and then something twinged and I thought FUCK I've done it agaaaain.

K: (sitting silently at his desk with his Bejewelled face on)....... FUCK ME IN THE ASS! .....(goes back to being quiet)