Louis: That guy is so greasy I thought I was shaking hands with a Big Mac.
Louis: BARKEEP! BARKEEP! I know nobody's attempted this since the late 1800's but PAY ATTENTION TO ME DAMMIT!'
Louis: We're drunk and lost in Circular Quay. If this was the Amazing Race, we'd lose. We'd be that slow old couple that fight the whole time.
Louis: (singing Single Ladies) see this works on both levels, because aside from being skinny, tall, male and white, I look just like Beyonce!

My Uncle: Who wrote the book "White Jazz"? and before you make a joke, I said White Jazz. Not White Jizz.

(During Earth Hour we have all the lights on)
Some kid on the street: HEY TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS! IT'S EARTH HOUR!
My Uncle: Fuck off and come back at 2am, that's my Earth Hour!

Printmaking teacher: Now I have to check your footwear to make sure none of you are wearing inappropriate shoes. We've had a health and safety man coming around lately-
Kid up the back: An angry homeless man?
Printmaking teacher: What? No, I said health and safety man.
Kid up the back: Oh, okay. I just saw a hobo out the front and I thought you might be talking about him.

How To Walk Up Oxford Street, Sydney

Vomitous

Dear Arj Barker, when I read capital letters THE VOICE IN MY HEAD SOUNDS LIKE YOU

The next person who says, "You come from the north coast? Why aren't you more tanned?", I hope Kanye West pops out from a nearby bush and says "Yo Sydney kid imma let you finish in a second but Jessica from Twilight had the best pale person shut-down of all time. OF. ALL. TIME". And then he eats their nose.

Dear Diana Ferarri, your shoes suck and they fucked my freaky-looking feet up. They hurt worse than if my feet had been ravaged by sharks with burning hot coals in their mouths and tiny people shooting razors out of their eyes. YOU FAIL DIANA FERARRI.

In my head, my life is like a video game. Make the train? Ten points. Buy awesome shoes? 45 points. When I get upset, I think to myself: don't be an Adam Hills. Be a Shaun Micallef. Then I award myself points for my general fabulousness.

Dear idiots on the shuttle bus: there are about 12 seats on that ridiculous tiny vehicle. Approximately 400 people need to get to main campus for the Monday lecture. I know you're art students and you pretend not to know math but GET YOUR FUCKING BAGS OFF THE SEATS BEFORE I VOMIT AT YOU OUT OF PURE RAGE AND AWESOMENESS

When I meet someone new I try to harness the crazy, you know, dole it out in small amounts so that they gradually become desensitised. Unfortunately lately I seem to have lost the word-filter on my huge mouth and the little monkey in my head starts losing it's shit and shrieking MISTAAAAAKE! It bangs it's little cymbals and jumps up and down, but I never listen.

I am a moron

I laugh at stupid things

Cousin #1: (referring to Pip from Fern Gully): Aw Pip! The red-head never gets the girl!
Me: What about Ron Weasley? It took seven books but he scored.
Cousin #2: Don't forget Ginny!
My Uncle: Yeah, and doesn't Pip get run over by the log truck anyway?
Me: What?
My Uncle: (In deep voice) Don't go above the ferns
Cousin #2: It's canopy
My Uncle: Don't go above the canopy
(Cousin #1 and I look at each other and start singing the batty rap)

Me: Student concession please
Ticket booth guy: Did you say student?
Me: Yeah
Ticket booth guy: Are you sure you don't mean child?
Me: I'm sure.

Dear Lynx,

In your new add for 'Lynx Twist' you make a comment something along the lines of a man needs to mix it up because "women get bored easily". I would like to commend you on your touching honesty and raw talent in this filmatic masterpiece. More people should realise that women are simply disgusting. They are greedy, needy, clingy. They are manipulative and evil and good only for sucking a man dry of dignity and money. Women are empty, soulless vessels to be used only for pleasure and their looks (don't even get me started on the ugly ones). A woman could never accept a man based soley on his personality, which is illustrated beautifully in this advertisement as our hero desperately tries to entertain his fickle missus. The blonde succubus smirks and flutters her eyes and we see in this instant that she is vain and easily distracted, as all women are. Thank you, good people of Lynx, because without you all those decent menfolk out there would be otherwise unaware of the harpies that live among us. Keep fighting the good fight.

why I win at life

Disclaimer: These incidents are purely ficitonal, despite what anyone tells you about this happening to a drunk girl they know and the videotape they have that proves it. If you try to use these things against me, I mean her, I'll eat your first born child.

Me: (on the phone, under a desk in the fetal position, clutching a mug of gin while eraserhead plays in the background): shit shit shit I think I'm turning into a lizard. I'm a lizard. I have lizard hands. Claws! Like that baby in Eraserhead! They're going to turn me into the little rubber on the end of a pencil and kids will chew on me and I think I've forgotten how to climb down stairs

Me: Fuck I love Red Dwarf (passing out then waking back up) OH SHIT NO WE CAN'T HAVE THAT MR FLIBBLES! Who will clean up the mess? (mumbling) I want cheerios.

Me: I'm going to puke
Bert: Don't worry babe, I'll hold your hair back for you
Bert: FUCK YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HAIR
Me: HOLY SHIT I HAVE NO HAIR BERT
Bert: OH CHRIST I FORGOT YOU HAVE NO HAIR
Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
Bert: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

Sara: You don't look so good
Me: I'm fine
Sara: Are you sure?
Me: Yeah
Sara: I'm just going to leave this door open
Me: I'm fine
Sara: sure
Me Really, I- (projectile vomitting out door)
Police officer: (stares at me)
Me: Hi

Me: oh my god. OH MY GOD. MY FACE IS MELTING. MY FACE IS ACTUALLY MELTING. SOMEONE HELP ME JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MY FACE IS MELTING OFF MY SKULL THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE
Tim: Dude, your nose is bleeding. Jack Daniels is not your drink.

My year 8 science partner: Hun, if you're going to smoke weed, I have some valuable advice for you-
Me: What? I didn't say anything about weed. Why isn't our test tube going blue like everyone else's?
Year 8 science partner: Let me just say, my cousin smoked weed, like a LOT. and he became schizophrenic and hung himself because the voices in his head told him to or something. So whenever I smoke, I'm like, really careful. You should be the same.
Me: Oh my god

500 Days Of Shut The Hell Up

So I finally just saw this much talked about film. It was exactly what I expected- Zooey Deschanel had perfect hair (that bitch), pretty dresses, and was all round an indie kid's wet dream. I forget the guy's name so we shall refer to him as Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You, aka Heath Ledger's freakish reincarnation. Cameron wears band t-shirts such as The Clash and Joy Division (thus outlining how very cool and retro he is) and draws little buildings (he's just so talented but doesn't quite have the confidence to make his dreams come true, oh please Jesus make it stop). Cameron falls in love with Summer and Summer crushes him like a cochroach under a Manolo Blahnik.

To hate this movie would be far too easy and for all you know I'm some former beauty pagent, 400 pound redneck housewife tapping away on her keyboard because it's too hot to go outside and sit on my porch with a shotgun. So why should you care what I have to say? You shouldn't, it's fine. Anyway, I actually really enjoyed 500 Days Of Summer, it was a visual treat and I didn't care about or particularly like the characters so didn't feel depressed by the end. Just numb, warm, and quite sleepy. In summation, Summer Finn= hot bitch and Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You, who drinks JD with orange juice? You've got some serious issues there son.

Now on the topic of That Ending, the one that was so cheesey and so corny and so deliciously reminiscent of cream cheese corn, you're probably thinking, Oh what a happy ending! Cameron and Autumn will go for that coffee and she will be all like "Fuck I hate Ringo Starr" and Cameron will be like "OMG MARRY ME RITE NAO". However, personally I think that after his depressive episode he's bitter, he's vengeful, and he's going to fuck Autumn's shit up Summer Finn style. Get that little heart breaking whore.

They're Laughing At You

(In a nerdy club I joined)
Group leader: tell us about yourself
Me: I'm a first year fine arts student
Group leader: Oh good! we need someone who can use photoshop!
Me: I have never used photoshop.
(everyone laughs)

Lecturer: who's your favourite artist?
Me: I don't have one
Lecturer: um, okay... what do you hope to learn this semester?
Me: (doubtfully) um, everything?
(everyone laughs)

Some girl: You okay?
Me: (falls over)
(everyone laughs)