Disclaimer: These incidents are purely ficitonal, despite what anyone tells you about this happening to a drunk girl they know and the videotape they have that proves it. If you try to use these things against me, I mean her, I'll eat your first born child.
Me: (on the phone, under a desk in the fetal position, clutching a mug of gin while eraserhead plays in the background): shit shit shit I think I'm turning into a lizard. I'm a lizard. I have lizard hands. Claws! Like that baby in Eraserhead! They're going to turn me into the little rubber on the end of a pencil and kids will chew on me and I think I've forgotten how to climb down stairs
Me: Fuck I love Red Dwarf (passing out then waking back up) OH SHIT NO WE CAN'T HAVE THAT MR FLIBBLES! Who will clean up the mess? (mumbling) I want cheerios.
Me: I'm going to puke
Bert: Don't worry babe, I'll hold your hair back for you
Bert: FUCK YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HAIR
Me: HOLY SHIT I HAVE NO HAIR BERT
Bert: OH CHRIST I FORGOT YOU HAVE NO HAIR
Sara: You don't look so good
Me: I'm fine
Sara: Are you sure?
Sara: I'm just going to leave this door open
Me: I'm fine
Me Really, I- (projectile vomitting out door)
Police officer: (stares at me)
Me: oh my god. OH MY GOD. MY FACE IS MELTING. MY FACE IS ACTUALLY MELTING. SOMEONE HELP ME JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MY FACE IS MELTING OFF MY SKULL THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE
Tim: Dude, your nose is bleeding. Jack Daniels is not your drink.