Lately I've noticed a significant increase in what can only be described as the cancer of the internet. Crappy fashion blogs. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of fashion blogs I love, but there are also an abundance of fashion blogs out there so goddamn boring that I fear choking to death on my own scorn.
I've noticed certain rules, like describing everything with exciting adjectives (lest your fickle readers attention spans wane). It's not white, it's cream, or ecru, or eggshell. It's not brown, it's chocolate. It's not green, it's emerald. Nobody gives a shit about your purple scarf, it's deep plum (fucking idiot). Recently I purchased nailpolish from Sportsgirl that was inarguably grey, labelled "Gunmetal". Obviously much more badass. Who wants grey when you can have fucking GUNMETAL. You should also discuss your love of Mary-Kate Olsen's sense of fashion and talent for designing. This is a fun game where we pretend that we don't all know deep down that she's a raging coke head who couldn't give two shits about what several hundred baggy items she wears on any given day. Don't forget to scrape your hair into a bun right on top of your head. High. Higher! HIGHEST! It should be pulling so hard that your skin splits and your skull protudes garishly. You can't feel it and anyway, you look fucking awesome. Now you should go sit in front of someone short in a crowded movie theatre. Impulsively bought an ugly article of clothing just because of the label? No. THAT'S LOSER TALK. It's ironic. Wear it with pride. If you're in doubt, declare it vintage. If you're not one of the pretty girls, that's okay. Remember that you're unique, beautiful on the inside, looks don't even matter because you are a genuinely interesting, charismatic and talented individual. You just need to remember to be really, really skinny.
Lagerfield (Satan) would be proud.